2.15: Volume

    There are many words with multiple meanings. Volume, for example, can mean how loud or soft something is. But it can also mean a measurement. Or it can mean one book in a series. This is something that standardized tests use to check students' understanding of the language.

    I'm currently working with two students who are having trouble with their vocabulary on standardized tests. They are vastly different students, but their Achilles' heels seem to be in the same area. Both are juniors in high school. 

    One is very, very close to a perfect on the SAT, and that is his main goal. His math is almost there, and his English is close, but he has more to grow there. We sat last week and looked at his previous SAT test results, examining each section that he missed. We found a few areas where he could improve, but the main one was his vocabulary. So yesterday, we sat and went over a list of common SAT words, one by one, and identified which ones he didn't have a grasp on. He went home with 15 or so that he needs to study before next week. I don't know if these words will be on his March test, but I don't think it could hurt for him to understand them. 

    The other student is just taking the ACT to see how she does. She's a junior, too, and we work on her English homework a lot of the time, but when she doesn't have that, we move on to ACT. Yesterday, I gave her some short practice questions and her grasp of vocabulary is very, very low. It's to the point where I don't even know if it's worth it to focus on her vocabulary, because she can't learn 1,000 words in the next month. We'll see what happens. 

    I find tutoring for testing like a logic puzzle. You can move around the pieces, figure out where kids need help, but if they don't do well on the actual day of the test, it doesn't even matter. Fingers crossed for these two!

2.14: Control

     Twenty-seven years ago, I lost control of my body. 

    My brain started bleeding in the spot where my arteries and veins come together. I was with my high school best friend, Tiny. It was bad. I collapsed, and my parents took me in their car to the hospital, and I was life-flighted to a major hospital in Cleveland, and I was there for months and months. 

    I lived (obviously), but my past has led me with the need to take control of myself in most situations. 

    Many people like to drink. They drink to relax. They drink to release their shy self. They drink to forget the pain. 

    You won't see me drinking. I don't like to lose control. (Plus I hate the taste). 

    I'm not comfortable teaching class material when it wasn't designed by me. I need that control. 

    I spent a year of my life without being able to control anything about my life -- hell, I wasn't even awake for the first couple of months -- and it was not the situation for me. 

    I'm so thankful that I've lived for 27 years more than my body had planned to, but I don't live without the baggage of almost dying. I don't live without fear.

    But I live, so that's a good thing. 

I dislike puzzles because I can't control if I'm going to be able to figure them out or not. 

2.13: Failure

    Today, I will be listing all of the things that I have failed at. 

Dieting

Exercise

Math classes

Socializing with random groups of women

My marriage

Self-confidence

Anything involving money

Sports

Caring, maybe?

Cooking, more often than I can count. 

Organization

Reading as much as I used to

Writing every day (I'm trying, NGS, I promise!)

Religion

De-cluttering

Keeping my nails manicured

Being my parents' favorite (maybe I was my dad's, though?)

Did I mention dieting?

My dad failed at giving a fuck, a lot of the time. I respect him for that. 

2.12: Complaint: That ET figurine

    Years ago, I was helping my parents clean out one of their storage areas for their antiques. The details are fuzzy, but it was a ton of stuff, and I helped carry and sort and clean and dispose of, for hours. When we were almost done, my oldest brother and his wife stopped by. 

    I'm not going to spend my writing space on my oldest brother and his wife, but they are a whole thing. They live 2.5 hours apart from each other and they're just... a whole different breed of people. We will leave it at that. 

    Anyway, I didn't often find things in my parents' cache, but this time, I did. It was a crazy, cheesy E.T. figure pulling a wagon with a flower and a teddy bear in it. I was so delighted. It was weird and cute and it reminded me of my childhood. 

    Immediately, as I spun around, full of happiness about my cute find, my sister-in-law stopped me. "That's MINE," she said. 

    I paused and looked at her. "No, it was with my parents' stuff. They said they got it in a box that they bought in Columbus, full of odds and ends."

    She glared at me. This chunky, pale woman who had never previously showed a spark of personality, stood up tall and said, "I lost that when I was young. It's MINE."

    My brother, who is lonely and awkward, stood up for her. "If she says it's hers, it's hers."

    I weighed my options. My parents would side with me, but they would be sad to make my brother's wife unhappy. And she was REALLY adamant that it was somehow the figurine she had lost years ago. So... I gave it to her. 

    I hate conflict, and I will often lose out on things because I want to avoid it. The figure was not THAT cool, and it's not a big deal, but it's just the weird way that she went about it. Not "Hey, I had one like that when I was young and I would love to have it to remember my childhood" or something, but "It's MINE."

    I'm glad my other sister-in-law is cool, I guess. 

2.11: Stronger

    Years ago, right after I left my husband, my youngest cousin called me. She was crying. It was weird because I don't think we had ever talked on the phone before. I mean, I like her, and I always have. We're just not phone call people.

    She was crying because she was breaking up with her boyfriend and she asked me, "How can you be so strong? How did you leave your husband? How did you do it?"

    It was sweet, and I tried to help her, but when I hung up I kind of laughed a little. 

    I'm not strong.

    I'm probably the weakest person I know. 

    I can talk a good game, but I find it hard to make permanent moves that change my life. 

    I almost-not quite-just about-kind of left my ex-husband a number of times, inching further and further away, until my brother and sister-in-law brought their family in their minivan to pick up my kid and I, and we escaped, and I was terrified that I would go back to him the next day until I called NGS (away on a romantic weekend with her husband) that night from a mattress on the floor of my brother's bonus room, my toddler curled up next to me,  and I told her, and THEN it was real, and THEN I couldn't go back. 

    I do not think I am strong, but I think I am lucky enough to surround myself with strong people, and they are strong for me. 

    Maybe someday, I'll be stronger. 

2.10: Judgment

** I've decided that if I have no connection to a topic for a day, I will write an awful poem. You're welcome**   

     I used to judge bananas

    I didn't like bananas

    Something about the taste

    Something about the curve

    Something about the feeling

    Sticky, but... slimy. 

    Lately, I've been eating more healthy

    I'm also kind of picky. 

    Bananas fill me up

    And they're not as gross as watermelon

    So I will eat one a day. 

    Every time I eat one, I take a picture

    I send it to my teenager

    He always responds "OMG" -- first because

    WOW MOM FINALLY ATE A BANANA

    And now out of exasperation

    So now I have a great reason to eat bananas

    No more judgment. 

  

    

2.9: Location

    I have always lived in Ohio.

    

    This is okay. 

    I was born in Ohio, I grew up in Ohio, I went to college in Ohio, I moved to a different part of Ohio. I imported men from different states. 

    I visited other states and I liked them, but not enough to move there. 

    My family is in Ohio. I knew my parents -- while they couldn't actually stop me, as an adult, from moving to another state -- would be heartbroken if I moved. So I stayed. I kept the same location. 

    I like Ohio. I like that I can go up to the lake or down to the river or stay right in the center and find museums and music. I like my job and the fact that there's a union and the increasingly important fact that I'm okay driving at night because I know where I'm going. 

    But now my parents are dead, and my kid will be going to college soon, and my boyfriend misses California, so maybe we will move. 

    But probably not. 

    I think I'll probably always live in Ohio.