"'Free! Body and soul free!' she kept whispering." Kate Chopin, 'The Story of an Hour'

The Story of an Hour

He called at my busiest time of day, as he usually does. Sometimes I ignore him, but he just calls back, leaving a text with his phone number when I don't answer. The phone beeps with the reminder of the unanswered call, and it's annoying. So I answered, carrying bags of groceries into the house as I avoided the dog's mad dash outside and corralled SC, who thinks it's hilarious to watch Ruckus pee.

He was sobbing. This isn't as unusual as you would think. Sometimes his mother has been mean to him, or sometimes he just 'misses me', or maybe he's just off of his medication and wants to borrow money to pick up another prescription. I asked him what was wrong, but this time he wouldn't answer. I waited for news of a death, or of a diagnosis of cancer, or perhaps the arrest of his drug dealer -- something shocking and ground breaking. I briefly worried about his brother Donnie, locked up for trying to buy material with stolen checks (while dressed in drag). Despite the frequent appearances in prison and his obsession with "dating" large gang members, I like Donnie a lot. "Just tell me!" I said, the dinner forgotten.

Finally, he admitted what was wrong. "I'm seeing someone," he said. "I'm sorry. I waited for you for a year and a half, but you wouldn't come back."

I was shocked... and then I wanted to laugh, to jump. I began to ask him questions. How long had this been going on? Three weeks. Where did he meet her? Walmart. Where does she live? Around the corner from the high school here in town. How old was she? In her thirties. He kept crying, telling me he didn't want to hurt me. I assured him that I understood, that all was fine.

He stayed away for a few days, and he didn't even call 78 times a day. I didn't have to listen to his whispered admissions of love as he called to "say goodnight to SC". He didn't beg me once to move back in. It was nice.

Later in the week, though, he came over to watch SC for two hours while I went to get my hair done. He had offered the week before, and I happily took him up on it. I like for SC to see his dad. If his dad's  going to be in his life, he needs to make an effort. Otherwise, he needs to get out all together -- black or white. As I left, he requested money to watch him... $100. I was flabberghasted. I thought he was joking, so I smiled and laughed.

After I got my hair and eyebrows done (sexy!), I came back and checked on SC. Then I thanked PsychoEx. He again asked for his money. I asked him why he needed to be paid for watching his own kid, and he admitted that he needed money "for the doctor" (for pot). I told him that this was a girlfriend's job, and he could ask his girlfriend for money now. He didn't like that response, and he said, "But you make more money than her". I responded that I worked really hard to get the degrees to make the money that I make. He said, "But she has four kids. She has a lot of people to support with her money." I asked him if she received child support, because I did not, and he admitted, "Some of her kids' dads pay".

I leaned on the kitchen island, facing him. I took a deep breath, and said, in the most kindly voice I could manage, "Roger... I felt guilty for leaving you. I know I had reasons - good reasons - but I also knew that I would be leaving you alone. Your family barely talked to you, you didn't have any friends, and your oldest son avoided you. I tried so hard to make sure you had a relationship with our son. I did my best to be the person you could talk to, the person who would encourage you and support you. I did it because I was the only person who was going to do it. And now, you have someone. You have a person to love you and entertain you and share your life. So now, I get to be as cold to you as I should have been a year and a half ago. I get to let you go and live my own life. So please don't ask me for money or friendship anymore - that's her job. I'll be happy to talk to you about anything concerning our son, but besides that, we're done."

He stared at me, and his eyes hardened. And then he left.

I expected to feel some regret, some sadness for a tumultuous eight year relationship that was gone. Instead, all I feel inside is joy. I'm alone. In the past, that phrase has always been terrifying, and now it's invigorating. I'M ALONE. I'm free. I can date without explaining to him, I can have sex without feeling guilty, I can move on because he has moved on. I don't need to feel guilty about living my own life. He is nothing more to me than My Son's Father, and I've told him that. The cycle has been broken. All the secret guilt inside me that I've lived with, day and night, is gone.

I'm free. Body and soul free.

Free.