"collect your pictures of the Pope, pray to God for love and hope, bring the Virgin home for luck, bolt the door to keep it shut" - Garbage, 'Wicked Ways'

Wicked Ways

Last spring, DiscoBri convinced me that he was raised Amish.

I know him. He's a rocket scientist. He has old arcade games in his basement. He's told me stories from when he was growing up. I know his wife. They're not religious.

He still convinced me.

I had questions, but I was just getting to know Bri, so I didn't want to hurt his feelings. And every question I had, he answered. Didn't you tell me stories about playing video games when you were young? That was at a friend's house. Did your mom cook like the Derr Dutchman? It was even better. Do you have pictures of you in your Amish clothes? We weren't allowed to have cameras. Every question I had, he answered - quickly and calmly.

Hook, line, and sinker. Asshole.

But that's me. I'm amazingly gullible. I trust people, so I take things at face value. It's gotten me into so much trouble in my life.

Recently, though, I met someone who's helping me with this. He's a skeptic - a person who doesn't just blindly believe everything that's handed to him. And because he doesn't believe, he's shown me authors and great thinkers who systematically prove their points, instead of just expecting people to accept what they say.

I think I've always been kind of floating in this sea of religion. Part of me wants to believe that there's something out there. I don't want to see death as the end - I like me! I want... something... after all this. But as hard as I try, I can't find one piece of evidence that makes me confident that there is a higher power. I've studied Hinduism, Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, various pagan religions, Baha'ism... and the more religions I study, the less any of them seem like more than pretty little stories. I feel this divide between myself and the religious. And, yes, I will admit it - I feel disdainful towards them. I want to hold their shoulders and shout, "Look! Look at all these religions! Why is yours right? What makes you superior?"

Although my mind built up this barrier to religion, it was a barrier not made up by my solid argument, but by the lack of an argument on the other side. I ambled through life, rolling my eyes at church services and blessings over meals, and tried to assauge myself with my belief that there is purpose and comfort in ritual. These people were not wasting their time - religion made them feel good. At the same time, though, religion made me feel... creepy. It felt hollow. I knew, deep down, the religion was simply another tool to keep the hoi polloi working towards an unattainable goal. But, though I had this knowledge, there wasn't much I could do with it.

Enter Poker Face.

PF is the president of an Ohio Skeptic group. He's picky and sarcastic. He listens to podcasts and watches horrible movies and refuses to wear shirts with words on the front. He collects paranormal items and holds disdain for most people, places and things.

PF's an Atheist, but he's more than that. He's one of the most well-read people I've ever met. And over these past few weeks, he hasn't told me to be a skeptic; instead, he's given me access to important, intelligent people who ARE. Currently, I'm reading Carl Sagan's Science as a Candle in the Dark. The book contains LOGIC - logic that shows how science is the truth, the way, and the light -- not religion and not myticism. Here's a sample:

"Not every branch of science can foretell the future - palentology can't - but many can and with stunning accuracy. If you want to know when the next eclipse of the Sun will be, you might try magicians or mystics, but you'll do much better with scientists. They will tell you where on Earth to stand, when you have to be there, and whether it will be a partial eclipse, a total eclipse or an annular eclipse. They can routinely predict a solar eclipse, to the minute, a millenium in advance. You can go to the witch doctor to lift the spell that causes your pernicious anemia, or you can take vitamin B12. If you want to save your child from polio, you can pray or you can innoculate. If you're interested in the sex of your unborn child, you can consult plumb-bob danglers all your want... but they'll be right, on average, only one time in two. If you want real accuracy (here, 99% accuracy), try amniocentisis and sonograms. Try science."

I don't know if I'm to the point, yet, where I can comfortably imagine that when I die, I'm just dead, and that's it. But I'm getting there. I do know that religion has its purposes, but that it is not for me. I look forward to more study of skepticism, and more truth. But if nothing else, I've begun to learn to not take everything at face value. I've learned to look for proof, to look for hard evidence. Is that more difficult? Of course. But the sweetest victories are the ones you've earned. I plan to earn the truth; I plan to earn knowledge; I plan to earn the right to not live my life in a delusion.

And, um, fuck you, DiscoBri. :)