4.25: Courage -- Kitchen Courage?

Apparently, according to my counselor, I need to stand up for  myself more. I'm good at being funny, at being helpful, at getting things done... but not at saying what I need or what I want. This is especially true in my relationship. I'd much rather hide my feelings deep inside and put on a cheery smile. So now that I've begun attempting to be upfront about what annoys me, I'm sure that I've become somewhat of a bitch.

Sometimes they get what they ask for, right?

It takes a lot of courage for me to stand up for myself. I'm intelligent, but I'm not very good at arguing. Anger and passion terrify me when they're directed at me. The part of me that grew up with a narcissistic, mentally abusive brother and then who married a mentally and physically abusive man immediately retreats as soon as anyone is mad at me.  I'll do anything to make another person happy. I'll bend the truth or deny my true feelings. I know, mentally, that those things are wrong; the restitution of my anxiety, though, is a more pressing impulse.

So, tonight, I made dinner. Wait -- let me back up. I worked all day, went to get the kid, drove to get the car washed, went grocery shopping, went home for 45 minutes, drove the kid to tae kwon do, sat there for 45 minutes, drove him home, and then made dinner. Then I set the table, dished up the food, and called them to the table. Boyfriend asked me to get the Parmesan cheese. I did.  Boyfriend and kid sat down and ate, and then the kid went back upstairs. Then boyfriend proceeded to tell me about how he's depressed and how he hates being home because it allows him to sit and think about how he's depressed. Then I cleared the table, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned up the Parmesan cheese and put it back in the fridge, and threw the tablecloth in the wash.

I did not mind doing any of those things. That's not the point. The point is that when he broke up with me, one of the reasons that boyfriend gave was that I don't keep the house clean enough. I will admit that I do not stress over whether or not the vase on the table is dusted more than once a week, but my house is clean. It's cluttered, but it's small. Buy me a bigger place and I'll be able to arrange it better. Anyway, I find it very curious that the man who denigrated me for not being tidy enough can't get off his ass to put away the same cheese that he asked me to get out.

I did not say anything about any of this. According to boyfriend, I am "disingenuous" when I do not mention every little thing that annoys me about him. He says that I'm hiding a piece of myself, and so I am not fully into the relationship. I call bullshit on that strand of reasoning, because if I told every person every little thing which annoyed me about them, no one would talk to me. EVERYONE annoys me at one time or another. * That's just how life is.

I'm not going to say anything, It's not worth it. I can pick and choose my battles. I will continue to hold in my petty annoyances and save my big discussions for the big issues -- like the other night, when I told him that he was either going to (a) stop staying out all night with his buddies or (b) get out. That was a big deal for me. He seemed to understand and agree. But who knows? After all, the "you need to tell me your thoughts" only goes one way -- he's the one who waited three months to tell me that he was breaking up with me because he'd been having doubts about our relationship. But somehow that falls into the "I needed to think about it" category and my thoughts fall into the "you must tell me every thought or you're lying to me" category. Double standard? You bet your ass it's a double standard. And he'll never see that. If he reads this (he may), he will have some logical argument with peer reviewed sources ready to explain why I am wrong and he is right. He will throw claims of logical fallacies at me and argue me into submission. And I'll submit, because that's my way.

But deep down? I know I'm right.

My kitchen is CLEAN, bitches. Now check out NGS's post.

*I have never actually been annoyed by NGS, which is weird, but there it is.