Ugh, I'm so filled with deep thoughts today. Yesterday, I kept falling asleep, all day long. I napped and woke up, napped again, woke up, napped... you get the idea. Today it's like all the thoughts that were brewing in my head while I was asleep are clattering around up there, bats in an empty attic.
I don't know that I have even been filled with such anger for such an extended time. When the boyfriend first told me that he was breaking up with me, that he had been feeling attracted to other people and not me for the last few months, I struggled. I cried. I begged him to stay in my life. And then, after a few days, I said that I wanted to fight for us. So we did this dance where we talked through the relationship to the point of exhaustion on a daily basis, and then we co-existed in a tiny apartment. It was frustrating and exhilarating, all at the same time.
We started therapy, and although I have no problems going back, the therapist basically told us that his past was the problem, and he would need to work through that. And the whole time, he just keeps saying that he doesn't know, he doesn't know. And I'm sure that he doesn't. But that leaves me in this limbo, in this world where I get no affection and little stability. I'm in this world where I'm always second-guessing myself. I'm jealous when he goes out and miserable when he stays in.
It took me a while, when he first moved in, to feel comfortable being myself. He comes from money and class and beauty, and I come from laughter and love and academia. He comes from using the right fork at dinner and choosing your food for its nutritional value, and I come from telling stories about your day over comfort food with a side of vegetables. He comes from putting yourself to bed at age 5, and I come from books read to me before a kiss and getting tucked in. But, slowly, he bent a little my way, and I bent a little his way, and we had a beautiful compromise where we both learned to try new things. But once he made his proclamation, he talked about how my way of life disgusted him, how he hated the food I made and the lack of boundaries in my life, and how my house was tidy-but-not-immaculate, and even though I knew that this was all coming from the way he was raised, I still internalized it. So now I'm back being stiff and formal, second-guessing every decision. It's like I've gone from wearing comfy jeans and a t-shirt every day to wearing a fancy dress with heels.
But I digress. Anger. It's like a steady but strong trickle of water running through my soul. It can rarely be seen, but it's always there. Sometimes it comes bubbling up to the surface. Yesterday, he left the mud room door open. I closed it. He came downstairs and said, "I left that open so it would warm up in the mud room and I could work out." I opened the door a couple of feet. He looked at me and made this condescending little movement with his hand and said, "Open it more." And I snapped. It was nothing, but I snapped. I wasn't angry about the door. I was angry because he's at school or work or studying or running or asleep 95% of the time, but when he does come around, he always has an opinion about how things are done. And that's not even it, either.
I'm angry because HE WAS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME. This was supposed to be it. I'm done. I don't want to go through this anymore. I don't want to flirt and date and do whatever I have to do to attract someone. I don't want to play games. I just want to be done. Everyone else my age is done. Why can't he be the person that he were when we were first dating? I liked that person. He was intelligent and loving and sexual and hilarious. We could sit and talk for hours. We would play and giggle and tease. And now... now all we do is nod as we pass each other. He used to put his hand under my leg while he were driving because he knew it would make me laugh hysterically and feign annoyance. Now, if we're ever in the same car, we both stare straight ahead.
And I wonder... if he's done, why is he still here? Is he attempting to earn enough money to get his own place? His buddy Jon (I've never met him, I'm sure boyfriend is ashamed of me) has offered him his spare bedroom. And he typically refers to the future as though we won't be together. So why does he still sleep in the same bed as me and let me wash his clothes and fix his food? Why do we sit and watch Netflix together in the evening? Why did he even move into this townhouse with me, putting his name on the lease?
Often, when he mentions the future, he says something about wanting to be a family, even if he and I aren't together. And I told him, the last time that he said this, that I didn't think I could do that. I remember the conversation well. I said, "hey, when I start running, I may need you to come with me the first few times so that I can get a pace going." And he was like, "sure... even if we're not together, we can still go running together". And I was like, "No. You can come and take the kid if you want a relationship with him -- you know, since you've been his father for the last three years -- but I don't think I can sit and be your buddy." He mentioned coming over for dinner one day a week, once. I don't know if I can do that. I've never been the kind of person who can slip back into friend mode once I've been more. It's cruel and it's weird and I just can't.
So he won't move forward and I can't give up the past. I can't figure out if it would be better to have him get out and just be done with it, or if I should stay here and support him and keep fighting. I don't know what I expect to happen. Do I think that he'll just wake up one morning and be like, "Oh, I forgot. She's the one for me."? Do I even love him anymore, or do I just love the idea of being in a couple and not being alone?
So here I stay, in limbo. Tori Amos says it best: "Maybe I ain't used to maybes/Smashing in a cold room/Cutting my hands up/Every time I touch you/Maybe it's time to say goodbye now/Time to say goodbye now..."
But... what if bliss really IS just around the corner, and I just have to hold out one more day? What if I miss out on forever because I cut it off too soon?
And when is enough actually enough?
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