12.24: Pain -- My awkward life

Yesterday was a cookout at my house.

I really just wanted BJ and SC to be there, but I invited my parents.

Then SC invited Yankee.

I spent way too much money buying food and things for the party.

BJ and SC helped me clean all day.

And then everyone showed up.

Oh, the cookout itself wasn't bad. I roused my dad from his chair so he could go grill, and the food worked out. I made a really awesome marinade for the chicken.

But my mother. Oh, my mother. And Yankee.

I don't mean to rant about Yankee. Sometimes I get a little bitter about his promises of forever, and how standoffish he is now, and his life doing exactly what he wants when he wants to. He gets to be in SC's life, but doesn't have any of the responsibility.

He's a single man with few bills. He's making more money than I'll ever dream of. His credit has improved drastically.

And I got him there.

I supported him when he was a recovering alcoholic with no degree and no job. He moved into my place and stayed at home for months until he decided to go to school. He did not work for the two and a half years we lived together.

I got no presents on holidays or birthdays, and no affection.

Yes, he's better than what I just reduced him to, but I'm very bitter about how he climbed over me to get on top of where he is now.

My mother knows this. She knows most of this, anyway. But at that picnic, she was all over him. They huddled up at the table and she asked him questions and made plans to be at his graduation. She giggled and flirted.

I wanted to pull her aside and be like, "Woman. Do you see THAT guy over there? BJ? The guy in the corner that you're ignoring? He was here, helping get ready for the cookout. He's been here for months, actually spending time with SC and I. He's the good guy. He's not the flashy one, but he's the one who put in the effort. He's the one who deserves your giggles and your smiles. Do you remember when you hated the ground Yankee walked on, back in August when he broke up with me? He hasn't done anything to redeem himself."

I didn't pull her aside. She's losing her mind. She wouldn't understand any of this, and would somehow make my comments into me attacking her. She would pout.

I don't need my mother to support me. I have NGS and Veronica, both of whom can't stand Yankee and know how much he betrayed me.

But it hurts.

I made this pasta salad for the cookout. 

NGS and I never have to write about pain again (but that's what one writes about, I think.)