12.8: Love -- Family

We gathered for Mother's Day, and I have to say, I was way too busy to be nervous. I should have been. You never know what you're going to walk into when my middle brother is involved. Will he be welcoming, joking, and happy to see you? Or will he pull his youngest child close and make biting comments under his breath? Will I leave sad, wanting more, or will I grab my kid, kiss my parents, whisper something silly to my nieces and then slip out early?

A psychologist mentioned that he might be narcissistic, and although I'm reticent to diagnose him without the proper credentials, the definition fits. But I love him and I've always loved him and I crave his approval more than any other, no matter how much I tell myself not to.

Lunch yesterday, though, was amazing. Everyone laughed, we caught up, and SC had fun with his cousins. We made plans for this summer. My brother even bought lunch for SC and I, pulling the waitress aside and telling her not to worry about the separate check.

This is the version of my brother who I love more than anyone, maybe. This is the version that helped to raise me, that taught me that I could do anything, that I followed and adored.

That's why it will be so sad when the next time I go over to their house, that he will scream at me and rip through anything I'm excited about and hold mistakes from 20 years ago over me. I will leave and cry and shake and I'll be right back where I was last June.

I love him, and I can see that he's shaped my relationships with men and taught me that I can't trust people to stay the same.

Just like always, I'm hopeful that this nice brother will stay.

Just like always, he will not.

Damn, that chicken and waffles was goooood. 

NGS and I will never HAVE to write about love again, but we will.